Diary of a Supreme Gentleman
by run with all of the scissors
Summary: Greg Heffley seeks retribution against a cruel and uncaring world.


My bed is cold, empty without a female to share it with. My name is Greg Heffley and you're probably wondering how I got into this situation. I'm a college student now; Manny is in high school and Roderick's in prison. Every night I cry myself to sleep of loneliness, until Manny bangs on the wall and calls me Virgin Daiquiri. Then I whimper to sleep.

It wasn't always like this. I used to be full of life and love, learning new things through my other diaries. Things were never the same since Rowley died.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The fat autist loitered outside my door waiting to tell me the most exciting news. Like a puppy, he waited to show me his new toy. Or, more appropriately his new bone.

"Isn't it awesome? She's like, the hottest thing I'll ever stick my dick into!" He exclaimed, pointing to the photo on his phone. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was a raccoon. Poor Rowley probably had not only rabies but also gingivitis. He claimed to have given the woman head.

"Zoo Wee Mama, she was a feisty one. She bit me on my neck and put claw marks on my back."

He looked so proud. So accomplished. He lost his virginity to a raccoon. I had only been with my hand. After he had left, I slowly began boil with anger. How could Rowley betray me? We were supposed to be friends. We were going to lose our virginity together to the German foreign exchange students.

That night I went to my room, closing the blinds and locking the door. It was just like any other night. I turned on my computer and went to 4chan.

Time for some big anime titties. This was back in high school, when I had peak sexual stamina. I shivered and whimpered, taking more than a minute to finish. a new record. The lewd images always made me go into a frenzy. I never ventured to look at the GIFs. Don't want to finish too early.

Roderick banged on the door, hollering, "Are you done making sweet love to your boyfriend? That Rowley kid?" He always trashed Rowley, but I still held a bit of resentment from earlier that morning.

"If I wanted to make sweet love, I'd fuck your mom!" I responded, smirking to myself in triumph.

Silence.

"Dude, that's fucked." I heard the thumping on the floor as he began to walk away.

That's when I got the phone call. I was just deleting my browser history when I got a call from the local hospital.

"What up, my nigga?" I answered, a fool who was completely unaware. I was naive. I didn't even check the incoming number.

"Uh, is this Greg?" A woman spoke on the other line.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying to lay down a smooth line like a Cuban cigar and a cup of black coffee, "Yes, it is I, Greg Heffley." I choked on my words, nerves getting the best of me, "hOW May I Please yOu?"

It came out more like a cigarette butt and mccafe peppermint latte.

"Your friend Rowley Jefferson has passed away at our hospital." She replied flatly.

"OH MY GOD." I breathed, "What happened?"

"He tried to have sexual relations with a raccoon, and it bit his cock and balls off. Poor baby bled to death."

"F." I mourned.

"F." Said the hospital lady.

We both hung up.

Years ago, I thought that the traumatic part of the situation was that Rowley had passed away.

Now I know it was the fact he was able to experience love before me. Even if it killed him; such as it does with AIDS and the gays, the normal people and their drama, and drinking and driving.

Everyday I suffer.

Nobody loves me. My parents think I'm a disappointment. They gazed upon my diary once and proceeded to reference, "Bold and Brash? More like, Belongs in the Trash!" I never looked at my parents the same way again. When I would hear my mom cry, "Choke me, daddy!" I knew I truly had no father. It was really my grandfather who raised me. I had no parents. They were dead to me.

I began plotting my retribution the moment everything clicked into place. I was going to make the world pay for the atrocities they had committed against a poor child like me. I was a middle class white American. Things were supposed to be easier than this. I was promised so much, yet given so little. As I wipe my tears as I write this, I hear Manny banging on my door, calling me a Virgin Asswipe. He will be the first to go on my revenge against a cruel God who does not care.


End file.
